2011 Rule.

I can only shop for new and unnecessary clothing items every SECOND month. I'm absolutely positive I'll struggle but have a little faith.

XOXO The Little Engine That Could

24/12/10 Melbourne Zoo :)

I had a gooooddd day! Best in a while actually :)

Significant other and I watched the gorillas get fed, a seal show where they showed us how they trained them and gave us a little education course about how to recycle out recyclables, they even had the seals fetch empty plastic bottle from the enclosure and bring them to a yellow wheelie bin they had put inside the enclosure. There was a baby elephant too which was possibly the cutest thing I've EVER seen! There were some tigers which weren't fully grown yet and we watched them run around and play with each other (mind you, if my brother and sister played with me they way they did, I'd be dead. Too rough for my liking). The boy likes the meercats- yes, we sat and watched them sit on each others faces for half an hour.

Boyfriend.

And everything was ALLLLRIIIGGGHHHHHT :D

New Years Eve 2010/2011

Up until I today, I actually HAD plans. But then they fell to pieces. A friend purchased me a ticked to NYD festival and then I assumed the gist of the night would be something a long the lines of hanging out in her inner city apartment and then maybe going out in the city and watching fireworks. Something along those lines. Now, she has to work so we had to sell our tickets! All my other friends are going to various places in QLD or Yarrawonga/Lorne, Falls Festival, or Pyramid Rock Festival.

I WILL NOT be spending NYE or NYD alone, I refuse. I am therefore going to attach myself to the boy and hope he isn't doing something overly boyish. After texting him today about it while I was mid heart attack, he seems to have no plans set in stone so I guess I can rest a little easier now.

Busy busy week by the way! Work is hectic as it usually is around this time. I have a hundred appointments, my sisters basketball grand final- tonight actually, dinner dates to see people before actual Christmas and the break over the new year. God help me.

Christmas '10 Wishlist.

Wants:
New sheets. Nice ones, REAL nice.
Camera cover.
Couch.
Entertainment unit. When I moved in, I was poor so I put my T.V at the end of my bed and just threw bean bags in my living area to accommodate my degree from the Victorian school of Discotology and the costs that it incurred.

I don't really have a whole heap of things I want for realistic presents. It doesn't help that my birthday is less than a month prior. More just things I need that otherwise I'd just purchase myself. That being said, at the moment our car parking for work has been taken away and I think I've purchased something almost every day I've worked just because I have to walk past the shops so often. Bad habits, I guess I could have worse ones. I should really start being all thankful and appreciative. It is Christmas after all, time for all things holy.

Gifts I'm giving:
2x Gold Class Vouchers + Village Cinema Voucher to cover the cost of food & drink.
Yoga mat, KiKi K 2011 planner & CD.
Tattoo Voucher.
Leap Frog learning gadget/book thing.
Boxes of chocolate.
Diabetic cook book.

I THINK that's all. I THINK.

My other favorite weekend.

My birthday!

I love gifts, especially when I don't know what they are! I got a new digital camera, some clothes, a new blender that I wanted for summertimefuntime breakfast smoothies, pennies for my overseas trip, and a summerdayze ticket.

The boy took me to Goldclass to see Due Date which was HILARIOUS. We ordered ridiculously expensive food, mini burgers, wedges, cheese platters, coffees/hot chocolates because my taste buds don't appreciate caffeine. Oh, I am also getting earrings just as soon as I harder up and re pierce my ears!

I also had a bit of a girly night with my female bestest friend. We hung out in an apartment and got crunk as we do best. It got till about 4 and then some old friends I used to party with sent me a text and suggested we go meet them at a certain place on Chapel St. Which we did.

Another friend also took me to see Harry Potter 7, Part One :)

My favorite weekend of the year.

Stereosonic, Royal Melbourne Showgrounds.

This is kind of a strange thing to hold in such high regard but it seriously is the time of year I have the most fun. It was the first proper event I ever really went to and it's really the last fun time I get before work gets really busy with Christmas and all my friends get really busy with family stuff etc...

This year was super great too because my best friend had just moved into an new apartment just off King St in the CBD which made getting to and from sooo much more convenient even if you disregard how much cheaper it became too!

I love you.

Usually, I don't review items, I just post my mindless drivel that people for whatever reason seem to read. However, I decided I needed to change my shampoo because my old one was making my hair kind of gross, but I didn't particularly want to be spending a million dollars for 300ml of shampoo. This is great though! Your hair smells amazing for 3 or so days and I actually received compliments on it!

Heat.

It is soooooo hot outside!

I was outside sunbaking but I am borderline burnt and wasn't out there amazingly long.
Embrace the paste my ass.

So, I'm taking a break. Suddenly realised I have nothing overly interesting to blog about either!

Adios.

Issues.

I'm sick of fighting with the boy. He's not exactly over the moon that I'm going to Europe, even if it is only for 6 weeks. I know once I'm gone it will feel like I haven't seen him in forever and I'll miss him. But he chose not to come. Also, he needs to remember that I'm not leaving HIM. If you know what I mean? We're not breaking up I'm not running away I'm just going on a holiday. I guess it doesn't really help that I'm going with my best friend and that they don't get along. But, look at it this way- worse could happen than me going on a holiday.

I guess it all really stems from his parents both being in the army and as much as his mother stayed with them when they were younger and stopped working actively, his father did still. They also moved around a lot. He's lives alllllll over the world. Mostly London.
He contemplated moving back for a year because he misses it there. Furthermore he asked if I'd come with him. Not too sure what to do about that. As far as he is concerned, when people leave, they just leave. Right now, his dad is away- something army related. But he just got up and left (usually for months at a time) without any warning. He lives with me so it's not like he goes home ever night and he just didn't bother going to say goodbye. I think he's a bit nervous that I won't come back and if I do I would have had such an experience there that I won't want to be with him anymore. It's getting a bit frustrating, I hate that I feel guilty for going and I hate that he's fighting the urge to ask me to stay.

25th of December, every year.

It's coming, as it usually does. Too quickly and with far too large a price tag attached.

Work just got all it's Christmas stock, so I started compiling myself a mental list of what gifts to buy. Must purchase for mother, father, sister, sisters significant other, my significant other, Kelsy, 3x cousins under 10. I think that's it, possibly my auntie too cause she's kind of rad and looks out for me I just don't know what the bajeezus to buy her.

Suggestions?

16-06-2011/29-07-2011

Europe. Whoop. Officially happening.

16th June-Depart Melbourne, Heathrow bound.

17th/18th- Just chillin' in London, our tour has booked us at Royal National Hotel London.

19th June/22nd July- Contiki. France, Spain, Monaco, Italy, Vatican City, Greece, Albania, Croatia, Bosnia, Slovenia, Austria, Germany, Liechtenstein, Switzerland, Netherlands, Belgium!

Back to London for a day, and then to Ibiza until the 27th.

Time for the long journey home now :(

I will probably be poor because the deal with us getting a MASSIVE discount was that we pay it all by Friday! Geez Louise. To think I was excited about almost having paid my mother all the pennies I still owe her from my horrendous car service.

I will be away for my boyfriends birthday, just, by a few days. I actually tried to avoid it but it worked out too much more costly to leave just a week later.

Tad excited but also a bit daunted by having to save so many more pennies. The only thing keeping me sane right now is that I know I can spend all these ones on fun things or things that I think are pretty to wear. Other than just living and eating etc etc. In a way it's much less stressful.

The Snip.

I chopped my hair off :)

Well...a whole 10cm ish or so.... It doesn't sound like much but boy I was borderline cardiac arrest.

Big Fat Slob.

I was about to MURDER my significant other... Right about now actually. Must blog/vent about it... that or throw my laptop at something/someone.

He has been such a slob lately. Mooches off me by living, literally living at my house for free. At the beginning it was all great because he would help and buy food etc too. However lately he has become the biggest mess. Literally, I swear as he walks around I can see a trail of clutter and grime just following behind him, peeking around the corners n' shit.

Anywho, I'm sure you're wondering what the reason for my anger is? Right? Yes, I thought so.

I came home from work today and there was just CRAP everywhere. I don't mean the bed wasn't made... shoes not set next to each other neatly kind of thing... I mean disgusting shit that not even my 10 year old brother finds acceptable. There were dishes including a bowl of cereal that had at one point had milk in it that had been thrown in the sink and filled with water, and left like that to just fester over the day. Soaking wet towels were thrown on my bed and because I haven't yet taken off my flannelet sheets my bed smelt absolutely foul. There was open bread on the bench and the butter was left out, not just out but out with the lid actually stuck in it sideways. The bathroom itself had god knows what smeared all over the sink.

There is no way that I would ever leave anybodies house like that. Ever. I just couldn't do it.

All I want for my birthday and christmas is for some people to get some mannnerrrsssss.

Rant over.

New habits.

I'm trying to realise what I have, before I lose it. Rather than the human tendency to realise what you have AFTER you lose it.

The only problem is, now I'm wondering if I actually want to keep it.

Bribes.

The Director of the company I work for is trying to bribe me to come work in a different store- his store. Not quite sure what to do exactly because I have it good where I am realistically.... No weekends, and not only that I don't work nights. Now working in a shopping center that is incredibly uncommon, in fact, it's actually referred to as the Golden Roster.

Anyway, he's offering to pay me quite a significant amount more to come work in his store however its far away from my house and driving would take a long time. Even if I was to suck it up and catch the train, I'm on a separate train line so it would become almost a 90 minute process as I'd have to go into the CBD then back out again.

Gah I don't know.

Is the extra money worth the extra travel or should I just stay where I am?

5 Years ago, exactly

Dinner.
Oysters.
Steak, medium rare.
Coke-a-cola.
Ecstacy.
Racism.
Ill see you tomorrow.
Dead.

18/10/2005

Always remember, never forget.

Walk to Cure Diabetes.

Do it.

http://walk.jdrf.org.au/

I used to vent here about you. But then I decided that I regretted the posts because in hindsight they were more nasty than what was necessary. But now I know better. Now I regret that I deleted them to begin with.

The birthday of Hitler.

Last night I went to significant others mothers birthday dinner. Just the local pub meal, standard. Naturally, she picked at what I ate and told me I are "too neat". Now just what that means exactly I am unsure. Porterhouse steak- cremated, 2 chickens in pajamas, and one veal parmigiana were ordered by them. I had a roast vegetable arancini, purely because I like arancini, not because I am a vegetarian which they are fully aware of but still decided to nitpick at my meal choice regardless.

Conversation actually flowed really easily with his brother who is too smart to be able to have a conversation without making the other person feel incredibly inferior for no particular reason other than he can. For example, when asked about my day at work and I responded letting them know I worked in an establishment that sells Belgian chocolate he proceeded to lecture me on the production of cocoa etc and generally drained my life.

She also asked me if I was pregnant the first second we were alone. Joy.

Anywho, must scramble and go play housewife.

Frozen water.

...and it begins. The saga I tried to keep him and them away from.

How to make it stop?
You KNEW I was disappointed and you continued to do it. Actually, as I write this the only reason I am able to do so it because you stormed out of my house in a huff and puff to go get more. Bad, bad, bad, bad.

This isn't my fault. I mean, fuck, I'd follow you almost anywhere on this planet but I won't go down that road with you. I don't think I'm better than you, but fuck last night was a stupid decision and there are more people than yourself that are going to have to pay the price for your actions.

Guess what? When you were justifying it to me at 6:15am this morning, you really did sound like a drug addict. Not the kind that says "Oh, it was only one pill to many..." The kind that will make any excuse to justify their actions not only to everyone around them but them self too. You actually sounded like you were trying to convince yourself out loud that ice is an okay drug.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK.

It's about what they need to hear, not what you want to say.

It just sucks that's all, but that doesn't mean I don't have to do it.

The "Manager".

Can you do this for me while I lean against the bench?
Can you do this for me while I go on a 40 minute, '10 minute' break?
Can you do this for me so I can watch the bread toast?

No, I can't. Do it your fucking self.

So the problem is a tad more than what it seems. It's not just a case of speak to her about it and then if nothing changes speak to Boss Man. This particular lady, although 38 years old, has the mentality of someone younger than myself, and I am significantly younger than she is. If I try to speak to her about it she pulls rank. Yes, for 3 minutes of the day she does manage to actually act like a manager! But nothing actually changes. Nothing that actually needed to change. One, or two other people still end up doing all the work while she fucks around doing nothing. Then she has the nerve to complain when we don't get out on time. So, naturally Boss Man has been informed. This decision is almost 100% going to make the woman who calls herself Manager cry, or try to guilt trip other staff by saying "I thought we were friends..." etc...

However, the time for that has passed. Even Boss Man was asking staff on advice regarding how to proceed with the whole situation due to her fragile mentality.

Help.

The Stripper.

So apparently Significant Other fucked a stripper in a toilet cubicle the other week.

The story goes something like this.
His phone was flat because I had not seen him in a few days and his charger was at my house. He went out with his friend.... we will call him The Candy Man. They started off at a well known venue in Melbourne and headed into a strip club because (apparently) drinks are cheaper there. Anyway, I don't care. He can go where he likes. They had arranged to be picked up at 4.30am by their other mate, however he turned up at 3am and they weren't ready to leave yet. So Significant Other pissed around doing whatever to delay the time they had to leave because of course, being a good friend and all, you wouldn't leave your friends stuck in the city with no way home.
He eventually came about and they were all bundled into the back of the car when Driver goes "Where were you? In the toilets fucking a stripper?"
Then, the joke began. It was played on for a decent week then all of a sudden I was being told a completely different story from one of my good, female, friend. Being given advice, basically told to end my relationship and also, a remake of the story I had been involved in from the very beginning. It went a little something like Significant Other fucking a stripper in a toilet cubicle with moaning being heard by all. Whatever.

Now I know that seems ridiculous for me to still be with him from everyone elses perspective but what they're not understanding is that I knew about it from the start. Why would Driver boy be playing along with the joke all week with a group of us then run and tell one of my good friends a completely different story?

I give up.

I think I'm beginning to hate you.

Competition.

I don't want to compete for you. You can stay or you can leave, but I won't chase you when the person you're following is who he is.

But remember, it was your choice.

Don't ever fucking ask me to sit in silence again. I won't.

Attitude.

I'm not too sure about this girl at work at the moment. She's technically only work experience and is only 15 year old so I'm not sure why I have a blog-worthy opinion of her yet, but, anyway.

To work with, for me, is good really, better than most but she almost gets in the way. As in, I'll be doing something that I quite obviously do not need help with, for example I'll be doing something amazingly simple like melting chocolate, yet she will feel the need to jump in for me and do things such as closing the microwave door even though it's already in my hand or picking up the spatula which is already on the bench right next to me. It's not that I particularly dislike her for doing this, it's just that it makes things more time consuming than they need to be, and in hospitality the word time consuming in not recognised. It's quick or quicker, there is no "...I'll do it/be out in a minute..."

Towards the other two work experience kids is another story. She is the only one of them that has actually been employed before as they are only 15 years old- what did you expect?
Because of this she has grasped the general concept of a touch screen register etc a lot quicker than the others simply because althought the program we use is new, the whole concept is old. Whereas to the other two, it is a whole new concept, naturally she would pick it up quicker.
This does in no way mean she can demean the other two, or make them feel inferior because of it. She's getting a bit too big for her boots. Sure, she is better than the others, but for the same reason I am better then her and she would be mortified if I was to throw it in her face.

I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. I won't act the same way she is because I don't agree with it. It is never okay to intimidate people for the reasons she is. It's on par with publicaly degrading people purely to make yourself look better...but mostly because you're too unintelligent to actually make people laugh at something other than how 'pathetic' that person in the corner is.

Stupid questions.

"Does milk have lactose in it?"

Burns victim.

Today I burnt my hand really badly at work. It fucking sucks. I was under the impression that the burning sensation would disappear after a while but no, it's still sore, red and blistering in some places. To make matters worse, having a shower is a nightmare, it almost redefines the feeling that comes to mind when someone makes you thing BURRRNNNN.

Now I'm not sure why, but this then led me to google burns victims and the results weren't entirely what I expected. I anticipated there would be avenues which I could donate, or something somehow related to such an avenue of assistance but no, instead a large quantity of blogs and also court cases. I haven't yet read a whole heap of information related to this yet as I was all too interested to stay on one link for long enough to be able to type about it!

When it all falls apart.

My friend tried to take his own life the other night.
He took multiple packets of nurofen plus.
It kind of sucked. Well, it did suck.

He's doing slightly better now though.

He has a child with his girlfriend, a two and a half year old little girl named Lavinia. He was living with his girlfriend, and daughter. She threw him out of the house with little to no explanation as to why they were breaking up and refused to let him see Lavinia. Over the next few days he lost his job, and consequently got thrown out of his parents house where he had moved after his girlfriend broke up with him.

I guess it just all got too much. He regrets it now and understands that it was incredibly selfish. He even apologised to his friends. I'm not 100% sure that it was entirely necessary to apologise though. I know that it was hard for everyone involved and that a few people got angry about it but an apology makes it... I'm not even really sure. I don't know how to phrase it. But it's not something anyone was expecting or even something that people even knew exactly how to respond to it.

I was really angry at the start. It was selfish. My thoughts on this are sprawled through out this blog already, I don't think I need to go over it again. But now I'm just sad, not sad for myself but for him. There is nothing I can do either. What made it so much more worse was that his girlfriend posted all the gory details over FACEBOOK. NOW WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT SOMEONE WHO IT QUITE LITERALLY SUICIDAL THROUGH SO MUCH PUBLIC HUMILIATION. I wanted to drive to her house and fucking murderrrr her.

That is all for now, it's quite depressing going through this from beginning to end again.

Word Vomit.

I am a professional at this.

I need to learn to think before I speak.

A request was made that I do not do this because Bec (Hello lovely!) would lose a great source of entertainment.

The disappearing act.

I came home from work today and there was no one in my house!

Usually my mother, father, sister, brother and potentially sisters significant other ("the 18 year old") would be around my kitchen table. Not today!

I have a sneaky suspicion that my mum and sister are in Queensland on the Gold Coast with The 18 year old because I know they booked a holiday for around this time a while a go. However that still doesn't account for where father and little brother are. Especially since he has school tomorrow and should be attending....

Oh well, they will turn up eventually. Every thing does.

Motivation.

I really hate it when my motivation levels go down to nothing. I'm trying to save because I'm supposed to be going overseas so therefore when the opportunity arises I work extra days however this leaves me incredibly exhausted. It makes it extra hard to keep going to work because of how tired I am and especially stay the whole day because I get so over it I cannot stand to be there.

Serious part over.

Rant begins, mostly about the almost mother in law from hell.
I'm now no longer allowed in their house because I am a distraction from significant others debts... apparently. Now only that, he is not allowed at my house either because that also constitutes a distraction.

I don't know whether I should just stop caring or not. Is it really worth it? I care and he ignores me... His mother doesn't care about him and he chases her attention. I know that psychologically that makes sense but it doesn't mean I have to agree? The more someone doesn't like you the more you want them to like you, I guess. Believe you me I know what it's like to feel unloved, but I got angry, not attention seeking. Maybe what he's doing is healthier than what I did. Then again, neither of us chose to react the way we did, it's just what happened. It was hardly a thought process.

...and so begins the secret relationship. God help me.

Mother in law,.

So, technically she's not my mother in law. She is just my significant others mother, but for all intents and purposes it's basically the same thing and referring to her as that is just a whole heap easier.

Significant other recently moved back home at (almost) 22 briefly to pay off some debts quicker so he can start saving money to come overseas! He has lived out of home since he was 18.

Mother is a tad nasty. Actually, that's a bit of an understatement. The agreement when he moved home was that he would be paying only $100 a week, whereas when he was renting he was paying $150 a week + bills, food etc etc.... This was all fine and dandy however she has now amped up this rent to $200 per week and he is no longer allowed to use the internet and laundry because that would "cost extra".. Now if she didn't want him there she could have just said so and he would have found somewhere else to live, especially seeing as the entire purpose of him actually being there has just been annihilated.

She has such an issue with control. Perhaps because while his 18 year old brother is perfectly content to act as a young adolescent not a young adult? Significant other however does not feel the need to report his whereabouts, his working hours, where he is PLANNING on eating/sleeping for the next 2 weeks...
She is quite literally treating him like a child, not a teenager, an actual child!

Now, in regard to me, she doesn't treat me that badly... I mean, she is perfectly polite if not a touch over observant of my every move while under her roof! But, generally she is easy for me to get a long with as she does not yell or demean me in any way. She finds it however acceptable to tell significant other that he is going to do nothing with his life (yet is satisfied with his brother being at university regardless of the fact he is studying video game design, now there's nothing wrong with that, in the sense, he can still establish a career out of it, but admit it, it no course in medicine or law, aka something to brag about).

She also made us give away Loui our little ginger cat. He was so adorable and caring, always snuggling me. Almost literally more loving of significant other that his actual mother.

Anyway, I should probably stop ranting and raving....

The 17 year old.

Is now 18.

His mother, as she refers to herself gave him 2 pairs of tracksuit pants and 1 polo shirt for his EIGHTEENTH FUCKING BIRTHDAY. That was his present from both of his parents. His brother and sister put in together and got him a navigator which is a semi decent present and doesn't seem so stingy. But you would think that being a significant birthday then would go to just a tiny bit of effort. Apparently not.

On the other hand, my parents bought him a fully paid holiday to Queensland with my sister for a week, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a suitcase as he doesn't own one.

Ambition, or lack thereof.

Something that really irks me is when people have no ambition to do anything with their life. Just step back, and look at what you have. Sure you might have loved and lost but you still have plenty of things to be thankful for and to appreciate. Even I can still do this. Sure people have been through worse than me, but also, people have been through a lot less. Therefore I like to think I have a reasonable opinion on this sort of thing.
It's so frustrating when people hit 25 and they still have done nothing with their life. Even more frustrating when it's because they have no interest in it. Well what do you have an interest in then? Being bored?

I have this friend who is 23 this year. She left school in year 10 because it was getting to the point where she really needed to think to pass the classes and automatic progression was no longer a rite of passage. Next, she took up a full time job in a cafe where she still works now. All fine and dandy to do, but, she hasn't actually progressed by having done this, she's just halted at a stand still. She has saved no money, she has never been on a decent holiday and she doesn't want to which is the must frustrating thing ever. It makes me wonder what she's going to do when all her friends are done partying and they start doing things with their life. She's going to have to start from where they were 4 or so years ago and she is going to be very far behind. Even if she didn't want to travel or buy a house or anything of that degree don't you think it would make some kind of sense to have actually saved some money?

But, that's just my opinion.

Sure, I went through staged where I hardly paid any attention to my savings and consequently didn't save much at all. However, I did pay off all my debt still.

I know this shouldn't frustrate me enough to actually make a rant of a post on it but it just does!

I can feel what you said and what you did. But never how you made me feel.

Because you've gotta have faith.

In one short conversation with a 17 year old who happened to be extremely drunk my perspective on life changed.

Said 17 year old happens to be my younger sisters boyfriend. He is turning 18 on Thursday so Happy Birthday to him. I bought him a bottle of Jim Beam and a card because he's such a lovely kid he deserves it. I have a slight feeling I won't have his mothers approval of alcohol being purchased for such a "young" person, but, fuck her. It's my gift and I will buy what I like.
Anyway, he was retrieved from a train station after a party by me recently and we got talking about kids relationships with their parents, in particular, his relationship with his own mother. Now keep in mind on Mothers day he spent more money on my mother than his own.
His own, apparently calls him nasty names in public, bullies him into going to church most, if not all Sundays by ensuring that he will feel crap about himself if he doesn't go even if it is just to please her. Now don't you think that might be a bit of a lie in God's eyes? Going to church purely for the sake of pleasing your mother I mean.

Personally, I have hardly gotten along perfectly well with my own mother over the years but at no point in time has she ever made me feel so horrible about myself that I legitimately wish I didn't live there or that I didn't have to force the words "I love you mum" out of my mouth every night.

She is so caught up in people being so, well, what she perceives as perfect that she isn't capable of just appreciating what she has and honestly I feel a bit sorry for her. Incapable of acting as though she loves her own children because she's afraid that someone will judge her because they missed a day of church- never mind the fact they don't believe in religion at all, got a foul at basketball (she shouted out that her son was an idiot, not once, but twice in front of at least 40 other people, including his girlfriend and her parents), or had a little bit too much to drink at a friends 18th. Now, if my child did all those things, and I hope they do, then I will congratulate them, because everyone will be imperfect in someones eyes, and if that's the worst they do then I fucking hope someone congratulates them.

RANT: An Opinion.

Now, regarding the couple that I was referring to before, now said boy just got really nasty.
I gave you time to deal with it but it's been a while, not long enough to have gotten over the entire situation completely, in no way do I expect that. I am simply telling, no longer am I asking, that you stop whinging about me to my friends and my boyfriend. By all means, you can make people I have never met think I am a junkie bitch but do not fucking DARE tell my friends that I am when you know oh so very well that it's not.
I might struggle with some things due to my own issues but there isn't a chance in hell I am going to lose what I have left because you are an emotional retard.
Also, regarding the junkie bitch comments, I may have taken a few drugs in my day but you my friends are the junkie. There is something that makes a junkie more than just occasional drug use. You my, well, no, you're not my friend. You take drugs because you cannot cope with the fact your relationship is ending and despite a large quantity of warning before, during, and after you are just noticing now that it will never be repaired. I was taking drugs occasionally because of the way they made me feel. I enjoyed what they made me feel NOT what they made me not feel. Now there is a fine line between recreation and dependence and you are flirting with it.

Ignoring all prior advice and forewarning.

So many people told me not to, but I did it anyway.
It wasn't a selfish act, in fact, it's probably a selfless act.
What he did was a selfish act.

You sat there and you told me you loved me. You told me to come over.
You went home, and you killed yourself.

Now there was no "I" in any of those sentences, so why do I feel guilty?

You were the one that lied to me. You put this on me. It may not have been your intention but it was the result nonetheless.
I don't want to feel guilty, but I did. Now I don't. I did for a very very long time, but not anymore. What you did was selfish. I went to your house and you knew I was coming, but you still let me see what I saw. You knew it would be me. For that I hate you, and I feel guilty now not for your death but for the feelings I associate with you. Your name carries such a negative connotation in my mind that I'm too ashamed to tell anyone.

I've realised that this will most likely keep replaying over and over in my mind until I actually tell someone about it. But since I'm not yet brave enough to do so I'm going to post everything running through my mind here instead.

Baby steps is the key.

One of my friends is currently struggling with a second break up with the same girl. It makes me want to scream in his face something along the lines of GET SOME REAL PROBLEMS but something stops me. Maybe because life teaches you better than anyone in your life will be able to, therefore we all learn different things and alas one cannot judge anothers reaction unless you have walked a mile in their shoes.
What frustrates me the most is that they broke up because he was being too clingy and just generally overly paranoid about every little thing. Constantly calling her to see where she was and who she was with, that sort of stuff.
Eventually, she forgave him, he promised he would change, the usual sort of reconciliation one would go through in a situation such as that.
However, after a few weeks everything was slowly sliding very quickly back to the way it was. Alarm bells started ringing in said girls head and she contemplated ending the relationship. At this point in time said boy was being warned not only by his friends but said girl that if things continued, it would end.
So, he ignored everyone in his life and continued acting the way he was and BAM, relationship over. Now one would generally be empathetic in a situation like this as most people would know how horrible it is to be broken up with. But feel empathy for someone who dug his own grave? Lie in it?

That's probably as selfish as it gets. He didn't learn the first time, however he had help this time, and experience which is probably the most valuable thing one can be given in a situation like this. He was offered so much advice, surely something inside him was just SCREAMING at max volume that something was wrong. Maybe not, I guess I don't know for sure this is all just a theory.